Friday 3rd December 2004

After yet another gut busting breakfast we did two hours of sleeping on the strand of sand. We planned to spend most of the day out in the sun so we decided to cover up today with a factor 60 sun block.

It was frightening to notice the fearsome strength of the sun when we compared the pasty pale protected skin to the burnt bright red unprotected areas. I had two crimson stripes down the side of my legs. I looked ridiculous !

Julie's bites were even worse today with the swelling taking over most of her upper arm. We decided to call the nurse such was our concern. It must have been some allergic reaction.

We were initially reluctant to call the medical staff as we had several friends who had been stung large sums of money for treatment, some wouldn't even receive any treatment without the presentation of a Visa credit card!

We sat at the reception area with all the staff fussing over her and going "Ooooh" and "Oh dear" whilst we waited for the nurse to arrive. In the distance we saw this lady tottering over towards us beneath a frilly parasol. Her rapid tiny steps, restricted by her long skirt, made her look like a shuffling Geisha girl. From beneath her sunbrella I expected to see a demure Asian beauty but I actually gasped out loud when I saw atrocious 'jam jar' glasses magnifying her slightly crossed eyes. At least it distracted us from her poor pockmarked skin.

Despite her glaring lack of beauty she was however extremely sweet and caring as she inspected Julie's ballooning arm. From a little pouch she produced four huge bright pink tablets and a small jar of tiger balm. "Take two now, one at night and one in the morning and swelling will be gone" she confidently told Julie and off she tottered. We shall see.

Julie spent the early afternoon luring flies onto her legs then squashing those nasty little suckers with such vengeful glee! Thwack! "Die you mother sucker!" Before we knew it; it was time for our Indian Head Massage at the resort's Seventh Sense Spa.

We exchanged manly pleasantries. A gruff "Afternoon" was received and an equally brusque "Afternoon" was echoed. We were saved from having to discuss the weather when I was taken through to the massage room.

My masseur held up a towel and instructed me to take off my robe. That's when I wished that I had kept my underpants on! Being a spa virgin I was unsure of the etiquette of such places but I did as I was told. She was pleasant and courteous but with her wrestler's arms I knew she could have beaten me to a pulp at any given moment.

She held the towel up like a mother does at the beach when her child changes into its swimming costume. I stood with my back to her and just allowed my robe to drop to the floor. I'm sure she was professional and looked the other way but she could have copped an eyeful of arse if she wanted. I felt worryingly at ease standing there bollock naked in her company, if only for half a second. I reached out for the towel and in a moral reaction to being at ease with my nudity I tightly secured it safely around my waist. I then sat down at a chair and prepared for my big head to be rubbed.

The smell of the essential oils and the moaning whale music in the background had already placed me in a state of calmness and the gentle pressure of the head massage pushed me further into a warm fuzzy tranquillity. Whilst I enjoyed the head work; all the stroking and rubbing, and tugging of the hair was all very nice but when her probing fingers left the skull and dropped to my neck and shoulders, well, I was just putty in her hands. She had incredibly powerful fingers, the pressure per square inch between her thumb and her index finger was immense. All the tension in my muscles completely dispersed as she kneaded my shoulders like she was taken out all her frustrations on me. By now I was slumped over the massage table trying not to groan as successive waves of deep pressure was applied to my upper back. I don't know what seventh heaven means but it aptly describes where I was right now.

I was gutted when my sixty minutes were up. The hour had sped by like it ran through in double time. I can honestly say that I had never felt so relaxed before.

I could hardly stand up as my legs had turned to jelly and my entire body had this tingling glow all the way through to its very heart.

It felt so wonderful that I literally floated back to the villa and fell asleep waiting for Julie to return.

She was another hour because she had booked a pedicure which was a strange choice for Julie as she usually hates anyone touching her feet.

What was even stranger was that Julie actually found her way back to villa 205 in the middle of all the banana trees. I was impressed!

As we lounged about our pool Julie read a magazine article about "What would be your last supper?" She described her perfect roast dinner, new potatoes, roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, the works. She then second guessed mine. "I reckon you would order a pizza" she said.

"Yes, you're absolutely right but it would be 6ft wide!!"

"You couldn't eat that, you'd be sick"

"SICK?? I'd be dead in a few hours anyway!"

Ha Ha!! We couldn't stop laughing!

You would have thought that all this talk of food would have reminded us that we hadn't eaten all day but no, it didn't! It was 9pm by the time we realised. We decided to get dressed up tidily and go out to one of the resorts nicer restaurants called The Other Restaurant. (They taxed their creative juices on that one!)

Earlier today one member of staff had described the fusion restaurant as a harem of gorgeous Thai beauties where my eyes would wander and I would not even be able to see Julie as I would be blinded and dazzled by their beauty. When we arrived we certainly found the setting to be beautiful.

The candle lit tables were positioned outside surrounded by the lotus pond. The staff were wearing very attractive red dresses but as for their beauty? Well it certainly is in the eye of the beholder as none distracted me from my darling wife.

The menu was very interesting and it even had a full Vegetarian set menu. It came with four courses, starting with a brie and shitake mushroom risotto. It was made to perfection with wonderfully rich flavours. My only objection was the portion size, for a first course it huge! Next came a large bucket of chilli and coconut soup. It was absolutely delicious. I started by frantically spooning as if I was bailing out a sinking boat but by the end I was going down with the ship as I had flooded my stomach. I was really struggling to finish it. Then came the main course! Bloody hell, this was death by eating. Could this me my last supper?!

I was grateful when my "Vegetable Ratatouille on a bed of potato pancakes drizzled with Thai Yogurt" was not on the same monumental scale as the others. I was still a great effort to eat though. I was cutting it up into small pieces, pushing it around my plate, taking a mouthful, chewing for ages, then swallowing with a painful gulp, washed down with another gulp of Pinot Grigio. This was hard greedy work and despite the skin around my girth feeling like it was about to split I wasn't going to send the plate back until it was clean!

I was getting quite hot, sweaty and uncomfortable and before I could compose myself the desert course arrived! The final challenge; the final straw, the final piece of luxurious Mascarpone Cheesecake that split the fat bastard's stomach! I was in agony.

We paid the bill and I made an immediate b-line to the toilets. I was in dire need of making some space in there!

I stepped down into the public conveniences to be flabbergasted at the design. The first thing I noticed were free standing urinals looking out over a lotus pond, "um, nice touch" I thought.

Then when I opened the door for the toilet it came as quite a shock to find that it was also looking out over the lotus pound!

It's difficult to explain but the cubicle only had two walls facing inside. It had no exterior walls!?!

There was a roof hovering some 10ft above and, although not attached, there was a high exterior wall (over which nobody could look) on the far side of the lotus pond. So it was private enough but it certainly didn't feel like it. It felt like I was shitting outside, but that's because I was shitting outside!!

I did feel very vulnerable and exposed. I mean I wouldn't be showing off my best side if I was seen with my trousers around my ankles, wiping my arse; now would I? One of the Evason Resort's many mottos is "Redefining Experiences" and this al fresco toilet has got to be the strangest place to have a shit that I have ever experienced!

With that mighty weight lifted off my bowels I was now ready to continue the party back at the bar. Unfortunately when we got there all the comfy sofas were occupied so we couldn't lounge about as if we owned the place. Instead we sat on director chairs next to a skinny black cat with huge alien-like eyes. It wasn't at all cute; in fact it was freaky looking and quite scary. It would have been perfect for the leading role in a horror movie where an experiment to cross a cat with a frog went horribly wrong.

And at that moment of ridiculing the ugly feline, a flea jumped off the mangy animal and bit me on my big toe! Damn, my first bite! We left soon after to avoid any more parasites jumping carrier.

It was time for bed anyway as we return to Bangkok tomorrow.